All of which makes me anxious, and at times, unbearably sad

so nice to have a friend like you, even though you're not around

you're closer to me than most

It hurts me when good friends of mine can't be found anywhere, online or otherwise.  First one gone for no apparent reason, now another.  This time someone reliable, who I've known for a long long time.. I look away for a second and they're gone like incandescent flames dwindling to mounds of ashes and dust.  Or lights on the radar that just go out so quickly.  Houses I used to frequent that have now burned down.

    Initially, I cried, for want of a stellar boy like my best friend has now, some fantasy boyfriend who would spring up out of nowhere and make everything wonderful again for me, who I could spend every minute of my spare time with.  Then I wouldn't be lonely anymore, and I wouldn't miss her so much, safe in the haven of his arms, lost in the depths of his eyes, with him in his bed...  Then, I told myself, I wouldn't feel such deep seated self-loathing, that way I'd be able to comfort myself with the fact that I'm not so bad if someone is able to love me...  there is never that confirmation.

But I don't understand this sudden desire of mine.  Why do I continue to think life would be undeniably better if some stupid boy liked me? I never needed someone else, a stranger.  As a kid, I never wanted this.   I have not been waiting all my life for this.  It should pass, I tell myself, just a case of wanting what I cannot have.  Of course it doesn't.  But I've concluded that it's not a boyfriend I want desperately, but to simply talk to my best friend again the way we used to, because I miss our conversations and the way she listens to me when nobody else cares.   I never cared for fantasies coming true; time has proved that if they do, they never satisfy or last.  I should stop whining.  At least she's enjoying herself, and anyway, I shouldn't be so selfish.