how can you consciously contemplate

Watched some different anime yesterday.  Kenshin is about to end, and on a shitty note at that.  All about feng shui and rubbish, so ridiculous and lame because I KNOW WHAT FENG SHUI IS, it is arranging things in your house so that there is a positive flow of Chi energy, etc, etc, don't really bother with it (messy messy person) but in K. the bad guys were using it for evil and destroying things with lightning, and they almost killed Miss Kaoru... meh.  It's so shit, I don't want to talk about it.    

   Anyways, I got bored and watched Shuffle! and DeathNote, the former I thought was weird and kind of annoying and the latter I quite liked, despite it being a major cliché... it was way better than the movie, that death god seemed much more convincing.  I need to watch the 2nd and other episodes and wait for that character who wears all white and likes eating things to show up, he was cute even in the movie.

     Been to the gym many times.  Seen nobody but cruel faces from the past there.  I have to learn to live with my past and overcome it if I am to be strong, and find the boy who'll want to kiss me.  It might never happen, I really don't know.  The passing of time leaves empty lives, waiting to be filled, and mine is a cavernous hole in the ground.  I want to take up writing again as a hobby, but my ideas are too vague or pretentious and I lose where I began... such a disappointment.  I have work tomorrow, why am I up so late? All I do is toss and turn in bed.  I wish I had an alter personality.  I'm sure I already have one inside my head, I have conversations with it all the time, but I wish I could see them.  The androgynous voice at the back of my mind, if I could see it we could have crazy adventures together, it would be like having my very own best friend.  I'm so selfish with people I only want one person for me only.  Of course, everyone else looking at me would think I was insane, but screw them! They're not going to be my friend or adventure with me, so they can butt out... I'd love someone on the same wavelength as me.  We'd go out to Brighton, sit in cafes sharing milkshakes, dance and sing in the streets to the Smiths, go to charity shops and buy classy stuff, pretend to be Oscar Wilde, live, laugh, love.  Give each other piggybacks, write to each other, play guitar and sing, buy records and decorate my room with pictures of Ian Curtis and Morrissey.  Oh, and read Billy Liar together, and take photos, write lyrics.  MAN.  Where the fuck is my best friend? Where have they been all my life, and more importantly WHO ARE THEY? sad sad angsty teen.  And here's the reason I'm so blue.  I'm also scared about travelling to Spain in a few days for fear of contracting swine flu... eek :(  :(  T  T