pathology of loneliness

Exam results in 8 days, college in September.  I wish I could fall backwards and wake with a start in one of the aircon-chilled rooms of my childhood and say this was only one of the worst dreams I ever had, and I never really left Singapore, or became a teenager, but it's far too late now.

    I listened to my social anxiety hypnosis tape last night, it told me to think of a positive social encounter, but when I tried to think of one there was just shadows and dust and surging silent blackness, so I had to create my own, or borrow someone else's.  I imagined that I was contented, loved, amongst a huge group of friends- more than 10 people- girls, boys and they hugged me, touched me affectionately, laughed with me.  None of the teasing or bitterness that stained my unfortunate school days as a child and beyond, that didn't exist.  I had a boyfriend in this fantasy and his name was Alex, I think, but he wasn't Alex James from Blur.  I remember his stylish crop of mousey brown hair and long fringe.  We rolled down the hill in Tunbridge Wells together, laughing, always laughing, holding each other tight.  The look in his eyes, bright blue with a mischievous sparkle I could not forget.  It was a look that said 'I'm loving this, loving you' and it made me insanely happy.  I remembered this with regret upon realizing that I made it up entirely.   I'm so lonely, I just want to go somewhere, see someone important, but no-one wants to know me and those that do would rather not.   Somedays I hate myself and think 'how'd it get this bad?' but that serves no purpose.  I just want someone to trust, talk to and be with, and who will cuddle me and make me feel better about myself.  Is it really too much to ask in this world?