there is a light and it never goes out

So I'm in my first year of college now, and lessons start tomorrow. 

I feel so strange.  Such a strange experience, almost depressed but perhaps not, maybe just shellshocked.  A bit like standing on an iceberg waiting for the last jagged shards of ice to come crashing down before the whole thing careers sideways and plunges into the depths of the sea.  You watch it happen, you know what comes next but you are powerless to stop it.  What.The.Fuck.Have.I.Got.Myself.Into.Now.   And all this stuff I've never come into contact with before.  Parties, alcohol, cigarettes, people who aren't there just to hurt me and bring me down... I should feel overjoyed, but instead only a feeling of intense longing and shadowiness pervades.  Am I lonely? Am I not lonely? Sometimes I wish I could dig myself a warm, comfortable hole in the ground somewhere, climb in it and go to sleep and never wake up again.  Never have to know the cruising feeling of going from safety to where? Like a joyrider in a stolen car speeding down the motorway at 100mph, not knowing what could come next... I'm terrified, yet I'm too numb to really freak out about any of this.  I wish...  the desire to go and throw myself of a bridge somewhere is often overwhelming, especially in these sorts of situations.  It's just that I feel so unsafe all the time, not tied down to anything in a bad sort of way.  Nobody really knows me, knows of my existence... I have no group of trusted friends, I just drift alone, slightly like before, only before I was this bulky kid with an awkward head of sewn-on straight hair that wasn't mine and a notoriety for being universally hated by all.  I try to put it all behind me, as my mother tells me to constantly, but face it or not, it's a part of who I am and probably always will be, if the people around me know it or not... I need to listen to the Smiths.  Listening to Morrissey is like listening to a big, consolatory hug, and I could really use one now as today has both put the fear in me and made me feel slightly like a naive weirdo with a strange upbringing, strange education and no social life.