keep feeling fascination

"I wanted to be with you alone
And talk about the weather
But traditions I can trace against the child in your face
Won't escape my attention
You keep your distance via the system of touch
And gentle persuasion
I'm lost in admiration, could I need you this much?
Oh, you're wasting my time
You're just wasting time"

-Tears for Fears

I feel like a little kid tossed into a pool at the deep end. I know so little of the world, I stand back and marvel like a child at an amusement park. The rides should pose exhilarating challenges for my youthful body, but I only see the perilous structures as a threat. I am perceived as 'cute' and 'innocent,' akin to a deprived foundling.
I have never realized it, but today it has dawned upon me. The things my friends like to indulge in and my own stunted, childish pastimes are worlds apart. The aroma of the green they were smoking washed over me, it scented potently of something that wasn't good and it wasn't bad, but it hinted at psychedelia beyond my imagination. It was reminiscent of everything wild, untamed and herbal and I could almost hear the sitars twanging in the background, see the swirling seas of colour.
It is not for me. So I abstained, because I knew that step would be the beginning of my last.

I want to write a novel. It's about a girl who falls in love with a boy, but there's nowhere for the two of them to go and never enough time, and she knows everything must eventually come to an end, though no-one else can accept this. She wants nothing but simplistic, true affection, but does not realize she is longing for something that has outgrown her.

"You will leave me behind, you will leave me behind"

I myself feel as though the world has outgrown me, that I'm just a kid in an adolescent's body, the lonely residue of childhood's essence long-departed.



"I made a fire and watching it burn
Thought of your future
With one foot in the past now just how long will it last?
No, no, no, have you no ambition?
My mother and my brothers used to breathing clean air
And dreaming I'm a doctor" Head over Heels by Tears for Fears is personifying my life right now.