it never really began, but in my heart it was so real

is this the gift that I wanted to give? I was foolish to ask for so much
without the protection and infancy's guard
it all falls apart at first touch



I'm only ever confident when I feel a casual detachment from life in general and could not care less if someone laughed at me or I died tomorrow. It's a kind of reckless live-fast attitude. Put me near illegal substances and it'll take over, make me lose all self control. Now it's starting to wane, I'm listening to Joy Division and feeling mild dissociation, everything seems almost too bright and I just feel tremendous exhaustion and inertia. I didn't see any of my friends today, and in my two hour lunch break I hopped on the train and went to the city to see the shops and buy myself some shoes... it was an overcast day, but still speckles of sun shone through the freezing cold grey of the skies. I do like being with my friends a great deal, but I love it when it's just me and my alter just as much, if not more. Just Laurie and me, seeing the sights, exchanging opinions, her making me laugh, making me smile, reminiscing, telling me things no-one else can hear. And it's just the two of us freewheeling and spiralling and slooshying down the wetted glinting streets alive with surging motion writing poetry in thin air and feeling all the more superior for it, like two literary characters, the path of whose tailored lives are insinuated but uncertain. So I'm never really alone. But physically I am... most days, this does not upset me.