I hate myself.
I can't cope with life, I've done everything offered to me and none of it made the slightest bit of difference. Last night I just ran around after everybody, a silent little lovesick puppy just wanting not to be myself, I wanted it so bad. I wanted to try everything in the vain, ridiculous hope that it'd turn me into someone else, someone happy, confident, talkative... I didn't want to see, hear, feel... And I lost all fucking self control because of it. All I wanted was to make people happy! It's all I ever wanted. And how exactly do I go about that without being able to speak? I thought I knew what I wanted, thought I knew... thought it was something simple, a hug, a kiss, an intelligent conversation, a day out. That one guy. Why do I have to be the one who's mentally fucked, out of everyone, why can't I just be happy?
I cut myself again. Felt I deserved it.
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I've been through this too.
ReplyDeleteNo one deserves to hurt themselves, though. I know at one point in my life I did it and I thought I deserved it. But in reality...what does it do? What does it accomplish? You are such a wonderful person, and I hate to see anyone have to go through that :(
Hope it gets better!
I did it before as well, when I was a 10 or 11 year old child. I felt such acute self loathing that I didn't even feel the pain for a long time after. But that was a long time ago, and I promised my mother I'd never do it again when she found out... last night I just didn't care if I lived or died. There was everyone else, probably thinking "what a good night" and me going out of my mind because I can't cope with it. I'm going to see the doctor today anyway, to hear their verdict.
ReplyDeletethank you for being so kind to me.
sometimes i get those feelings too. but the thing is they come and go for me. and a lot of times it really isn't my fault-my brain and its chemicals warp my thinking.
ReplyDeletethe feeling's gone away now, but I know it won't be forever. It always comes back.
ReplyDelete