all across the sands

can you hear it calling?
do you feel warmer?


I wish I did not get hung up about things. I have a happy day or two but then I always bounce back to this idiotic self-indulgent misery feeling and then I just keep going off into my own thoughts and getting lost in them. It feels like I'm lost for hours, but then I realize it's only been a few minutes that I've been lost in the expressionless torrent of lackluster thoughts. I don't feel anything these days. Not happy, not sad. I laugh because I know I should, but it doesn't mean anything to me. This brings me onto paranoia number.... 7.

I am a soulless, heartlessly empty shell of a person who just does things with no meaning or feeling

sometimes I don't even feel any attachment to the people I'm with, don't feel attached to anything. I have no 'best mates' with whom I can spend all my time, I just drift about aimlessly trying to connect with whoever I come across and failing miserably to be anything other than a wordless nonentity. I still don't belong to anyone or anything. I am an essentially pointless person. The minute I start using people though, then I'll never forgive myself. I am terrified I'll start using people, and that's worse than using any drug. And affection... I long for it more than ever. I have come to realize that what I thought was a panic attack was in fact classic symptoms of love... it happened again when I got a text from the fella. (groans, facepalm :/)