It's because I'm bored and lonely and have little else to do except sit on my roof and listen to Joy Division from my tiny battered headphones on my ipod with the cord that has been crammed in my blazer pocket so many times it is almost severed, like Picasso's ear. But I haven't done that yet, only imagined myself doing it, in case I climb out there and fall off, or the next door neighbour sees me and tells my mother. I seem to enjoy making internet conversation with faceless strangers, most of which are adults, who I will (hopefully) never meet. I like to pretend I know their faces though, and what kind of people they are even though I know this is ridiculous. Who would sell a lie?
I promised myself that now my exams are over and I am a purposeless cause, I would stay in my room all day, reading and writing and making art, which is what I do anyway, and creating stories about people I have never known. They might not even exist, or have ever existed. Now I have finished reading George Orwell's 1984, everything and everybody seems to have a sort of shadowy consistency; they could suddenly disappear and nobody would care or even ask why. This is positively frightening in my opinion. I flinch when the television mentions Big Brother, and when I go on Facebook. It, and sites like it are so ugly in a commercial, brash way and they make me want to not be a part of them, but disgustingly I am because otherwise (or so I am told) I would have no contact with the 'friends' I have (out of the 100 and whatever people on there are about 10 I genuinely like and speak to) or the outside world. What does it matter? Everybody always walks away in the end anyway, because I am just a name and a face on a page to them. Do they see the colours I see when I recite, or look at numbers and letters? I should go have lunch now.
i more or less just want you to know that i don't see you as a purposeless person; you aren't wasting your time with your art or music, and i do the same thing too. you are smart, really.
ReplyDeletei hope that makes sense...
thank you so much and yes it does make oh so much sense. I don't think anyone is ever wasting their time with their artwork, music or writing because it is an extension of themselves and their personalities. I just hope that I'll meet them, and that they'll like me. It just feels kind of pointless from time to time when we're all alone, which seems contradictory but is true, at least for me. I think I could invent a person to have adventures with each day if I knew my entire life was going to be this lonely. I could be half of a person and be entertained by the other half.
ReplyDeleteThank you for calling me smart, I really do appreciate it.