the saddest songs

I joined a gym yesterday, because the sight of my body was making me feel sick.  It was all air conditioned and pulsing with action; all the people exercising away and covered in sweat.  I had an instructor named John who taught me how to use all the machines and do the exercises and soon I was covered in sweat too, it felt quite disgusting.  I was terrified of the whole event but tried not to show it and henceforth probably failed and seemed like a complete fool.  Today when I go I'll be on my own, I'll bring my iPod and listen to the Japanese music I've gotten so into recently.

It's strange, when I listened to this song for the first time in what- 6 or 7 years, all these bits of memories came back to me of my childhood in Asia, watching Samurai X.  Just fragments, though, so I wasn't really sure if I was remembering anything or just imagining it.   

   I watched a video of the Smiths performing 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' in Madrid in the 80s and it sort of rekindled the love and respect I've always had for them, I haven't listened to them in a while due to all the Joy Division and Japanese stuff though.  Moz was in his pink cardigan and big glasses, and when he danced you could see the dimples on his back as his shirt lifted up.  I thought that was especially sweet.  Someone on the Peter forum said 'The Ian Curtis or Morrissey style dance is the only one with any kind of true feeling in it!' and they were so right.  No one but Joy Division's music, or the Cure's has ever made me feel so un-alone, and it's like Moz himself is reassuring me that it's alright not to have too much of a social life and to be into stuff most people my age don't care about.  When I first got into the Smiths I dreamt that I was in the crowd at his concert and he grabbed my hand in the middle of all the lights.  I like him a lot.