I'm not afraid anymore

I just re-lived the joys of my past music obsessions through the great taste of the Manic Street Preachers on TMF.  This will sound trivial and petty, but I take full account for this.  I don't think I should be afraid of the future, my future at college.  I can't necessarily control it, no matter how hard I try.  I can't wait to meet the multitudes of intriguing people who share the same interests as I do, so I won't have to hide my true identity anymore and go home, awkward and plain and alone each day.  

    We went to Kingston and rode our bikes beside the river, the ride back was especially beautiful and made me long to be experiencing it through a happier, more sociable person's eyes.  So often I wish I was someone else, but I like a few of my traits.  Mainly I wish I was white and small instead of big and black/mixed race.  I have never been able to stand who I am, the sole people who have were a few trusted friends because I am the son and heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.  They played Joy Division on the pseudo MTV today, courtesy of the Manics... Ian with his newly purchased guitar, singing Love Will Tear us Apart with eyes closed and 3 days (?) stubble about his chin in the abandoned warehouse, the music video they recorded live because they were too embarrassed about 'looking stupid' to mime to a backing track.  It was differently syncopated, and oddly beautiful in the way I never expect compromised versions of songs to be.  The red door with 'Ian C.' and other messages on it, opening of its own accord at the end of the video killed me and made me cry inside, it was so evocative.  My idols.  Why are they always dead?